The following is a journal entry that I made on August 31, 2009. I titled this passage simply, “The Decision,” and have been carrying it in my purse now for over a year.
Although I didn’t start my “healing project” until February 2010, I consider “The Decision” to have been the start of my turning my life around. It was when I decided to change my attitude from negative to positive and to take charge of my life.
It Began with a Life-Changing Book…
I made an important decision today which I know will be life-changing. It happened while I was reading a book I’ve had for a year yet only recently started to read. The book is called “The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die.” I was so excited when I bought this book last September, but I was “too busy” to read it until now, or maybe I just wasn’t ready until now…
Fear, Negativity, and Pessimism
I turned 43 a few weeks ago, so statistically that puts me right at “mid-life.” Of course, I have no way of knowing if I have 40 or 50 more years to live – or only a few months. But even if I assume that I will live until 80 or 90 or more, do I want to live my life in the way I have been living it?
In recent months, I have become increasingly fearful, negative, and pessimistic. I worry about many things and I’ve become more and more fearful of death. It only hit me recently why I fear death so much. It isn’t about the “what happens after we die” question as much as it is about “what has my life meant?”
Worrying My Life Away
I wrestle with many issues and worry my life away. I think so much about the purpose of my life in terms of career and money, I lose sight of what my deeper purpose could be. I worry and fret and get upset over minor annoyances as well as the bigger things in life. The smallest things can set me off and get my head into a tailspin.
My poor, dear husband gets the brunt of all of this, as I don’t elect to share my thoughts and feelings with many other people. He is a positive and affirming person and can often get me out of my negative states, but I’m sure he would rather not have to do it. He has a lot on his plate as it is…
An Empowering Realization
What I realized this morning is something I knew before, but not “in my bones.” I realized that I get to choose! I can decide how I will approach my life and how things will affect me. I can decide to be happy and positive instead of negative and depressed.
Not only can I decide to be happy and positive, I did decide that – just today. Sure, I’ve made such proclamations in the past, but this time is different. I don’t know if I hit “rock bottom” or if I had just had enough of my self-imposed suffering, but no more!
I am the architect of my life, the writer of my story, the director of the play of my life.
I remember when my co-author and I wrote our book, “Searching for an Epiphany” (this book has not been published). It was about our elusive quest for the “it job.” I thought my epiphany would be when I knew “what I wanted to be when I grew up.” Well, you know what? I still don’t know, but I did have an epiphany today, and I do know some important things.
I am not a loser. I am not a screw up. I am not a mess, or any of the other derogatory terms by which I’ve called myself. I am an intelligent, capable, and talented human being. I have many interests, which is why it’s been difficult for me to settle upon just one thing.
Live With Purpose, Joy, and Courage
My many interests are a great blessing. Maybe I will never find the “it job” and just maybe (or even probably), that will be okay. What I will do, however, is live my life with purpose, joy, and courage instead of fear and despair.
I may never make six or seven figures per year, or I might, but who cares? I am here, I am alive, I have my intelligence, I have my health (save the niggling problems which I WILL conquer with my new positive attitude), I have my loved ones, and I have so much more.
Today is the First Day…
This may sound trite and Pollyanna-ish, but it’s not. I really mean this. The saying “today is the first day of the rest of my life” is always true, but it feels more true for me today. No matter how much time I have left, I promise these things:
- To live my life true to myself,
- To live without regrets,
- To live without fear,
- To live with purpose,
- To embody love,
- And to live in joy and peace!
Today, August 31, 2009, truly is the first day of the rest of my life. Let it begin now!
Addendum – 9/23/2010
I posted the above journal entry today with the hope that my readers would find it inspirational. I know that I am inspired and empowered each time I read it. The past few weeks have been quite challenging for me, so it helps me to reconnect with the powerful intentions I set for myself on August 31, 2009: to live in the moment, to face life with a positive attitude, and to courageously overcome my challenges. Thirteen months later, I recommit to those intentions and continue “full speed ahead” with my healing project!