Category Archives: Success and Failure

Sep19

On Success and the Tonight Show

Posted on September 19, 2013 by Debbie Roes

NOTE: This article was originally posted to my previous blog, “The Healing Project,” in October 2010.

Last Friday, my husband and I went to see a taping of “The Tonight Show.” This was something we’d wanted to do for a long time but kept putting off. We are so glad we finally made it happen, as we had a wonderful time! It was very interesting to see how a show like this evolves behind the scenes. I recommend it to anyone who is curious and finds themselves in the Los Angeles area.

There Are Lessons Everywhere…

While we were at the taping, I had an experience that is worth writing about in this blog, as it relates to an ongoing issue that is one of the focus areas in my journey to heal my life. This experience shows that there are lessons inherent in all of life, even things we thought would be purely fun and entertaining. We should always be open to lessons and gifts in everything we do.

When we got to the NBC studio where “The Tonight Show” is taped, we were given numbers and asked to line up in an audience holding area. As we were waiting, I noticed a few staffers pulling people out of line to interview them. My curiosity was piqued, so I decided to smile at one of the staffers and use the power of my thoughts to manifest my becoming one of the interviewees. It worked and I was pulled out of line a few minutes later!

My 15 Minutes of Fame?

I was asked to participate in a segment of the show called “Q & A with T & J,” in which audience members ask questions of Jay Leno and his guest, Terry Bradshaw. I was handed my question to ask and was shocked at what it was… “How do you know you’ve reached success in life?”

As a person who is constantly focused on the issue of success and my associated self-doubt, I found it very interesting and perhaps more than coincidental that I would be given this question to ask on national television!

The taping was done and I asked Jay and Terry my question at the appointed time. It was fun to interact with both of them and to get their humorous take on such a serious question. Although I was excited to appear on television and posted about it on Facebook, I was disappointed to see that my question ended up on the proverbial “cutting room floor.” However, I did get to bring my group (which also included my father and stepmother) to sit in great seats in the studio, plus I was given a Tonight Show t-shirt, so all was not lost.

How Do You Know…?

All in all, my Tonight Show visit was a great experience, but I continued to reflect upon the question in the days that followed. During a walk the next day, I posed the question to my husband, “So, how do YOU know you’ve reached success in life?”

His answer was a good one… He said that for him, success relates to freedom. He knows he’s successful when he is free to spend his time as he wishes and can make empowered choices for what he wants to do in life. Success for him doesn’t equate to a particular job title, dollar amount, or material possessions. It is more related to how he spends his time and how much freedom he has to choose his professional and personal pursuits.

The American Dream?

We talked about how success varies from individual to individual and from society to society. In our society, the most prevalent measure of success relates to career achievement and monetary earnings. A person is said to be successful if he or she has a particular type of job or earns over a certain amount (which varies by region).

Home ownership is also a large factor in determining whether or not one is successful, such that the phrase “American Dream” has become synonymous with owning one’s own home. This collapsing of concepts contributed to the mortgage crisis of recent years, but that situation is a bit off-topic for this blog…

Are you a success or a failure? It’s all relative!

The limited definition for success in our society has many people feeling like failures because they don’t quite “measure up. “ This has been an ongoing issue for me, particularly in the years since I left my corporate job in 2003. During the past seven years, I haven’t even come close to earning my previous corporate salary, and I’ve changed my career path several times due to acute feelings of disillusionment. It has become habitual for me to consider myself a failure and that self-inflicted label has wreaked havoc upon my self-esteem.

Redefining Success

I haven’t really taken the time to profoundly consider my personal definition for success in a number of years. In pondering the Tonight Show question, I remembered a quote I found long ago which deeply resonated for me. Fortunately, I was able to rediscover this quote through the magic of the Outlook search feature. It was published in professional coach Chris Barrow’s newsletter in March 2004:

“Success is doing what you love to do, when you love to do it, with people you love working with.” – Chris Barrow

I like this definition as much today as I did six years ago! It dovetails well with my own definition for success that I have created subsequent to last Friday’s Tonight Show visit.

My New Definition of Success

So how do I know I’ve reached success in life? There are five key factors in my newly constructed vision. I could write a complete post on each of these individual aspects, but I will briefly define them herein.

Health – My recent health challenges have affirmed the truth of the old adage, “If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.” Health serves as a powerful foundation for success in all other areas of one’s life. If we feel healthy and vibrant, we are much more up to the various challenges we take on and we can more readily withstand stressors along the way. Achieving good health is an accomplishment in and of itself, especially as we age and health becomes much less of a “given” than it was in our younger years.
Freedom – I steadfastly agree with my husband’s assertion that freedom is an integral component of success. The freedom to choose the type of work we do and where and when we do it is a big part of how successful we feel. I remember when I was first able to move to Lake Tahoe (and later San Diego) and work from home. I think that’s when I felt most successful in my work.
Happiness – Success is about so much more than career and money. I believe a successful life involves joy and happiness each and every day. If we can stop and ask ourselves at various times of the day, “Am I enjoying what I’m doing?” and answer with a resounding yes, we’ll likely feel much more successful people who feel somber and uninvolved in their activities.
Connection – No man or woman is an island. As human beings, we want and need to feel a connection to those around us. We want to experience love and affinity and to develop functional and enriching relationships with the people in our lives. If I feel connected to others and am able to communicate honestly and deeply with my friends and family, I feel happier and more successful in life.
Growth – It is highly important to me to continue to grow and learn throughout my lifespan. I want to always feel like I am evolving as a person and discovering new things about myself and the world around me. I am successful if I can easily answer yes to the question, “Am I growing and learning new things each and every day?”

A New Fresh Outlook

So, have I reached success based upon my own definition? Not yet, but I am definitely on my way… What’s more, I find this new definition infinitely more inspiring and empowering than the old one to which I subscribed. I’m not suggesting that career and money are not important in life. Of course they are, but they are not everything. While I still hope to achieve career success and earn a decent income, it feels good for me to know I can still be successful in life without reaching those milestones.

Who would have thought I’d learn so much from a trip to see a taping of the Tonight Show? I now move forward with my healing project with a fresh outlook and new goals. As I proceed with the final four months of my journey (that is, if I don’t extend it beyond a year…), I am newly invigorated and feel hopeful and positive that I can and will heal my life!

Sep10

Turn the Page

Posted on September 10, 2013 by Debbie Roes

Standard

For the past two years, this site was the home page for my wardrobe styling business. If you visited debbieroes.com up until recently, you could find information about how I worked with clients to help them clean out their closets, discover what looks best on them, and hone their personal and professional style. While aspects of this work were very fulfilling and I was able to help a number of women feel better about their wardrobes, their styles, and themselves, I’ve decided to move on.

I’ve reached another fork in the road in my professional life…

Why I’m No Longer Doing Styling

Before I divulge my reasons for closing the doors on my wardrobe styling business, I’d like to share a bit about why I opted to start that business in the first place. My entry into personal styling evolved out of my own style transformation as I neared the age of forty. I wanted to transform my quirky way of dressing into a more sophisticated, mature, and classy style.

After a lengthy period of self-exploration and immersion into the topics of style, fashion, and body image, I started applying what I learned to not only help myself but also friends and family members. Since the feedback I received from these key people was overwhelmingly positive, I decided to launch a new business offering wardrobe consultation services, including closet audits, “shop your wardrobe” styling sessions, and personal shopping. I believed the unique background I brought to the profession – a lifelong passion for clothing and shopping combined with my education in psychology and life coaching – would offer my clients knowledge, compassion, and perspective.

My primary reason for becoming a stylist was to help women increase their confidence, improve their body image, and feel more empowered to take on the things that matter to them in life. I wanted to focus the bulk of my time on my strength, working with clients, instead of on the process of finding and securing business. Since I’ve long struggled with the sales and marketing aspects of business, I opted to join a nationwide group of wardrobe stylists (at a considerable cost). I believed this association would give me a greater chance of success, as well as allow me to partner with others in my new profession.

When my styling group collaboration failed to yield the client referrals I hoped for, I hired a marketing consultant to help me hone my message and promote my business. I also joined several networking groups and professional associations, attended regular business seminars, and started blogging to raise my online profile and search engine rankings. While these things helped somewhat, I still had a very difficult time obtaining new clients. In addition, due to the nature of the personal styling business, most new clients only worked with me for a total of ten hours or less. I was constantly struggling to find new clients and I did not enjoy that part of the business at all.

Then There’s the Shopping…

Part of the reason I decided to enter the profession of styling was because I loved shopping and was good at it. I was always able to find nice clothing, shoes, and accessories at good prices. Whereas many women find shopping overwhelming, tiring, and draining, I relish the experience. I can shop and shop – and never drop! In truth, I shop too much and have struggled with a fairly serious shopping problem since my teenage years. As a result of my overshopping, I’ve experienced debt, an overloaded closet, and relationship issues, as well as feelings of being out of control.

By becoming a wardrobe consultant and personal shopper, I felt I was making “lemons out of lemonade.” I reasoned that if I could help others shop and get paid for it, then some good would be coming out of the otherwise bad situation of my compulsive shopping problem. What I didn’t know was that my work as a stylist would plunge me even deeper into shopaholic hell. The intense pressure I felt to “measure up” in terms of my appearance and style as a de facto member of the fashion industry had me visiting the online and brick and mortar shops far more than ever before. In addition, when I shopped with clients, I found myself wanting more and more new things, and the buying cycle intensified.

All of the focus on fashion, style, and new trends had a negative effect on me. Not only was I shopping pretty much all the time, I also started to feel shallow and like I wasn’t being true to myself. I wanted to help women feel better about themselves, but I worried I was potentially helping to create more shopaholics to feed the consumption machine in our society.

Recovering Shopaholic Blog

As 2012 drew to a close and I conducted my end of the year clothing inventory (I started tracking my wardrobe at the beginning of 2011 as a way of getting my shopping and wardrobe under control), I was forced to face the grim facts of my compulsive shopping problem. I had a hopelessly bloated wardrobe and close to half of what I owned had only been worn once – or not at all – during the entire year of 2012! Clearly, something had to change, especially since my husband and I had made great strides toward simplifying our lives in virtually every other way.

I started the “Recovering Shopaholic” blog in January 2013.

Inspired by Jill Chivers of “Shop Your Wardrobe,” who healed her shopping addiction through setting rules for herself and blogging about her progress, I decided to start a new blog. In January 2013, Recovering Shopaholic was born! At first, I had no idea if anyone would even read what I wrote, but I was surprised at the tremendous response my blog received within a few short months. I grew a committed readership and started receiving many comments and emails in reaction to my writing.

As I’ve blogged about my journey to overcome shopping addiction, I’ve started to recover. What’s more, I’ve also been able to inspire others to face their compulsive shopping and simplify their wardrobes. I started to post more often and spend more time on my blog and less time on my personal styling business. Over time, what I was doing with the blog felt more important and more in line with my values and personal path.

While the blog does not provide much income (save a bit of affiliate income from Amazon and other businesses), my styling business was not exactly lucrative either, despite the large amount of time and attention I gave it for two years. Although I was happy to be able to help a small number of women with their closets and image through my styling business, I’m able to touch many more people though my blogging. It provides me with tremendous personal fulfillment to know my words touch women all around the world who struggle with shopping too much as a way of dealing with their emotional issues.

What’s Next for Me?

I’m not exactly sure what’s next for me in terms of my career. I’ve tried a number of jobs and several businesses over the years and while a few of them were promising, none of them quite felt like my true purpose in life. While many people would have given up by now at the not-so-young age of 47, I still believe there is hope for me to find work that both makes a difference in the world and pays a decent income. I’m inspired by the words of the late, great Steve Jobs:

“The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.”

As I considered shutting down yet another business, I found myself consumed by worry about what other people would think. I didn’t want to have to tell my family and friends that I had experienced one more “false alarm” in the professional realm. I feared they would consider me a flake – or worse, a loser. But as I pondered my decision and my future, I was reminded of another powerful quote by the inimitable Mr. Jobs:

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

So I soldier on and will follow my heart and intuition into the next chapter of my life. At this point, things are still quite cloudy. I don’t know the specifics of what I will do other than that I’ll continue blogging. I feel passionate about that pursuit and know I’m making a difference through my writing. While I struggle with self-confidence in so many ways, I believe in my abilities as a writer. I’m also considering getting back into life coaching and pursuing potential speaking opportunities, but I will let things “percolate” a bit more before making concrete decisions and plans in those areas.

Watch This Space!

Over the coming months, this site will change to represent my new professional ventures as they evolve. In many respects, I see myself coming full circle with previous pursuits instead of branching off into something completely new and different. As things become clearer to me, this website will shift to represent the exciting career developments I feel confident will come my way. I just have to trust myself and life and listen to the inner voice Steve Jobs spoke about. As he says, everything else is secondary.